Script for “Life of Brian Mohammed”

So, we have all enjoyed Life of Brian haven´t we? Crucifixion? Line on the left, one cross each, always look on the bright side of life and then the guys hanging on the crosses were no having it so bad, right? The lighter side of religion, not to take anything so damn serious and I am damn sure that this has kept more people from turning away from their Christian believe, then it has made people actually do so.

So, to taunt Christian believe is not really that much a challenge anymore. Mission accomplished, sort of, satire has been done thereon sufficiently and has showed effect.

But as we all now there is still a bunch of rather tight-lipped guys out there we all certainly want to loosen up a bit, and yes, hasn´t there been some aggravation lately? (I mean, when has it not, right?)

Yes, I think it is high time for a “Life of Brian Mohammed”-movie!

Trouble is, as we all know, these tight-lipped guys all have a very low tolerance against people telling them to loosen up a bit, not taking anything so damn serious, which as we all know has just the exact opposite effect, only leads to them doing exactly this, namely taking anything really, really damn serious, and to a lot of screaming, yelling, shaking of fists (quivering of lush full beards in righteous annoyance) oh we know, don´t we)) and generally demanding to do rather nasty things with the said “loosen-up-a-bit”-teller.

I probably don´t go out on a limb too much saying that this is obviously the very reason why there hasn´t been a “Life of Brian Mohammed”-script, right?

So, if no one is else is eager to do it now I have mentioned it I am willing to throw my hat in the ring.

I am fit and able to do it, I have written five books in a similar style of Monty Python´s, I have experience in performing, I am quite used to screaming Taliban shaking their fists at me (for this is exactly what I had encountered in my three years on the DAC now) and most of all, my life is really a piece of shit, when I think of it.

So, if some Muslim extremist kills me, at least I don´t have to do it myself, I die at least for world peace and not out of frustration for being an unknown writer for over ten years now, who has debts the amount of the UK National debt, for having written a brilliant sixth H2G2 volume only to see a multimillionaire making more millions with a children´s book version instead and having the love of my life spat in my face for more than five years now (most likely for all those things mentioned above, for other than that I am just that great guy, right?)

So kill me, you Taliban, but you will see that it will do you no good; you will see that only more people will have the courage to stand up against extremism.

After all we are all human beings and whatever faith we have, whatever we believe in we are all alike in the eyes of God, just like Mohandas K. Gandhi called the Mahatma once expressed, when he said that he was a Hindu and a Muslim, a Christian and a Jew, I believe that it does not matter to which God we pray, as long as we express in our prayers the love and the hope that there is something more than just our own selfish good and that we express the believe that there is something higher than just to live on for the next day, yes, in the end, that we all pray to the same God.

Respect is a value but it is also a value to respect other people´s opinion, might it look strange or not. The best way to make friends is to share a laugh and the most respect you can show to a stranger is to respect his opinion, as strange as it might look to you and the easiest way to make friends is to be ability to not take anything so serious – if they laugh at you, laugh with them but laugh the loudest and you will see that this way soon your worst enemy will turn into your best friend.

Western greed is not good and Eastern fanaticism is not good either, our world is becoming smaller and smaller, we all have to learn from each other and we have to become mighty tolerant towards what others say in order to make this work, we all have to work together and it is no good to answer blasphemy with murder, for that way you are not fighting for a religion, you are fighting for hate. So kill me if you like and others will take on my work.

Right. Now, producers come flocking and hand me over some money for wine and food and whores, so that I can get started with the “life of Brian Mohammed”, by the Beard of the Prophet! May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest the armpits of impudent Infidels such as this worthless fellow I say!


About Jochen Lembke

Europe's cab-driving writer
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