A little essay on why I will insult the English! (Satire, not to be taken seriously Or… is it?)
It is sure good to be English.
Is is not?
I mean, God, if there is a God, must be English. Why?
Well, is has to be, given the fact that you rule the world?
Dominate the world?
What´s this you say, you´re not so sure, the quality of German products and their position in the market, no one wants English products, we are in a recession and all we have to answer to this is sodding Cameron…blabla, this and this, yeah, always complaining like true Englishmen.
But don´t you see?
This is the point!
This is what is left over for us, the land of the poets and thinkers, we now build cars for the English snobs! While they sit on their armchairs, smoke their pipes, read the Times, being generally smug about everything!
We have entirely given up our own culture our own language, while we suck up eagerly everything that is English! Read everything that is English, listen to everything that is English! Watch everything in English, buy everything in English, so that the English can lean back and watch how every little whining noise someone (English) makes is turned into a world-selling hit record, every little pubescent thought someone (English) puts on paper becomes a word-selling novel, every little pathetic flick (with a little the help of the overseas colonies, of course) … is turned into an Oscar-winning major movie, as long as it is in English language, verdammt! Sorry, damn.
Look at my miserable life!
Just because I am an artist who wasn´t born with the right language!
I´ve worked for 10 years like a slave and lived like a bum, the girl I love doesn´t even tell me to sod off, she doesn´t speak with me at all, I have piled up debts half of the UK´s deficit – I can do what I want, no one wants to know anything of me!
While all the while, when my ancestors would not have been such douche-bags (I mean, what´s conquering half the world, the English did it!) I could have been not only be a successful artist, I could have been an important Nazi-viceroy, ruling over half of Siberia, commanding a harem of obliging female Russian slaves, now, how about that?
The best advice to give to a German writer nowadays is to learn English. Write in English.
The best advice to a German singer is to learn English. Sing in English. The best advice to give to a German actor is… well, you get the point.
You don´t want to do this? You think you can be a proud Kraut? Stick to you language, stick to your culture? Sure, if you are an actor there´s always little fringe-shows and there ´s always little weird awards to win no one has hardly ever heard about, but best is you get a vocational training in the field of the car-industry. Well, if you are a singer you can always earn a living having gigs in dodgy pubs, if you a writer, my, you can put some shine on family gatherings, when reading to them from your newest unpublished novel, but best is become an engineer and build cars for the English, then you can do the cultural stuff as a hobby.
For the English love their “Mercaides”, love their “Be-Em-Doubleyou, love their “Oddi”.
But if a bunch of foul-mouthed drug addicts, who can play three cords and do a lot of noise (as long as it is somehow verbalised in English) you can call this the Rolling Stones and make it a whole goddamn industry branch out of it.
Same goes for the rest.
Yeah, money for nothing, chicks for free, haha, that only goes for English artists, but we built these refrigerators, we built these colour tv´s…
See, the worst is, you have gotten us so deeply colonised and deprived of our own identity that you made people like me actually love what they do to, out of sheer need!
I love England, I love English culture and language, I am about to give up, what has made originally me, I love England, I am good German, who feels guilty about the war, who feels sorry about the Nazi crimes and who earns SHIT as a writer!
But here comes the funny thing, now, see what brought me this currying favour with the English, working my back of with English language, practicing a flawless th, till my tongue hurt (actually to that extent that it alienated me from my own language, which appears to me now like trying to talk with a potato in your mouth…)
I have written a sixth volume for the deceased author´s Douglas Adams original book the Hitch-Hiker´s Guide to the Galaxy, which is brilliant, which by far the best sixth volume ever written, so much degrading the book that was in the end chosen to be the official version of a sixth volume to a mere children´s book!
I was not authorised!
I was not even considered!
More, I was not even talked to! (Alright, after some heavy insulting on my part I got insulted back, sure.)
It´s not that the Hitch-Hiker is so holy an English relic anymore these days, it´s become quite international (I mean, in a colonial, always empire-like style, obviously), it has been translated in almost any language there is, to begin with (in German for a second time by my humble self), the agent who is so vigorously defending the purity of it, Ed Victor, is actually an American from the Bronx, (making it look like a personal affair that I will not be authorised as long he holds the rights who has criticized him too many times, by the way), the authorised author is not a Kraut, but an Irish Mick (who made his island so ashamed, when the book was finished, that it sank half a meter deeper into the ocean bed-rock, yes, that there even is now an open and frank discussion in Ireland if those incompetent writer-riff-raffs should still go on tax-free or if they should not, now in dire times, pay double taxes!).
When I turned my outstanding taxi-world-record in, “most countries as a licensed cab-driver”, and, oh, believe me, this is so much more work than to just bake the biggest cake ever (and later donate it to charity for it tastes like straw) at the Guinness Book, they just ignored it, they wrote to me that they have so many other submissions. I have done the license and driven a cab in three different countries and they turned me down, why, if there would be any Englishman being actually able to they would give him an Nobel-prize for just being able to speak a foreign language, but unfortunately no one does. (There was one last century, but just before they could stick a medal onto his breast they found out that he was originally from another country and has just tried to get away with it.)
Finally, when I turned to Brighton & Hove Hackney Carriage Office to ask them, if they would be able to help me, what did they say? Oh sure, Mr. Lembke, we´re proud to have you here for another time, to be such a cherished station in your world-record tour, thank you very much for appreciating Brighton so much, it makes us all proud, oh, how would the French envy us that you prefer to come here for another time instead of going there? No, they said I´d have to apply as a first-time applicant again! Nice one!
So thank for this, Brighton & Hove Hackney Carriage Office!
So, thank you for another one, England, vae victis!
Now, I will obediently go back to England, like a conquered barbarian, who marvels at the wonders of the Roman Empire and has lost all his pride, just to be once more in the exquisite position to carry out “three pound no tip four suitcases”-jobs, for the English, to carry luggage, for the English, being insulted by odd English 10-year olds, (you´re from Germany, mate? So was Hitler!” No, he wasn´t, he was an Austrian, damn it!) who are in a special school and get send in taxis, while all what they really need is a good spanking and live as a lodger in shady rooms in dodgy houses, inhabited by emotionally disturbed fuck-wits (yet in desperate need of money, so desperate they even take a foreigner, oh, I could write books, what I have experienced last time!)
Sure, moreover, I will like it, won´t I, for if you don´t like it, then why do you come here, mate? Right? Fuck, yeah.
But believe me, I will look for something I can blow off some steam!
I will insult the English!!!!
Now, if you know a bit about the Hitch-Hiker´s Guide there is this character called Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged, an immortal who decided one day, to give his existence a meaning, that he would insult the universe, in an alphabetical order!
Well, I am not immortal and don´t have unlimited means, so I have to take as it comes, the way I will insult the English will not be in an alphabetical order, but in the order they will get into my cab and of course I need a cover-up as a well-mannered and friendly person and cab-driver (not as the envious, frustrated and fascist little shit I truly am in the inside), I will have to maneuver them somehow into a position, where I can safely deal the blow, I will offer them a bait and say that I am the author of the best H2G2 sixth volume ever written and do you know this Wowbagger-thing and I am doing this to get me a name, for this is just the weird thing that will get people´s attraction, like that guy who dragged a refrigerator through Ireland (oh you know him!) and that German crazy dude who whips the Alps (yes, he climbs a mountain top with a whip on his belt and when he´s on top he goes right at it (see, this is so weird you are beginning to be interested!) and now there´s me, another crazy German, insulting the English and this and this and of course it is a funny thing, do you want to be in it? So, here´s the fare on the meter, I will say, of course, averagely in Brighton it is no more than, say, five ridiculous Pounds, do you want to pay this or do you want a completely free ride, all you need do is to be on video, where I will do a little mock-insultery for my “rich and famous and I want to get in the media”-thingy and I have decided to call you today, say, (of course I will have a neat little clip-board listing today´s insults) a mindless prick. What would you say? Would you like it? Would that be a nice little insult for you to be on YouTube, as “Jochen Lembke Insults the English” for show and to become famous?
And when he or she says yes and takes the bait I will do the insult on video without further ado I will come right to the point and not fuss around (if it is a woman) come on, I don´t have to say you have shitty hair today first, do I, (if it is man) your suit looks ridiculous and that tie just makes me laugh, I do it quickly and off you go and have a truly miserable and rotten day, sir, or madam, and we share a laugh and everybody will think what a funny guy, why, if all drivers would be that nice and creative, not just old grumps who let it out on their passengers, while deep inside I am I´m not so sure.
Deep down I´m not.
Deep down I will always be a Hun, howling for blood.
Perhaps I should have listened to my father who wanted me to become an engineer, oh, I would have had such a terrific knack for building a right-handed steering into the newest Mercedes-model…