Entries, back in Germany, 2009

Thursday, 30.7.09

To cheer you up, my dear millions of fans, I post a picture of Hasenschnecke’s bum.

Yummy, what a treat!? Right (guys? Girls, shade your eyes, in case you are not bisexual (which most humans are, by the way, so… well, do what the heck you wanna do.)) I post this, for obviously I don’t have her consent to post a picture where you can see her face, so this’ll do, for one, and secondly, for it’s the cutest bum in the world, isn’t? ( Obviously I don’t have her consent to post any picture of her or, for that matter, her body parts (least of all her bum), but, frankly, as things are as they are I don’t care and there are no laws against it. Erm, except the law of good taste, of course, and as you all well know this law is not too much over-weighted on this site.) Now, let me explain my favy tender name for her: “Dickpopohasenschnecke”. Literally, it means “fat bottomed bunny snail”, but there is no proper English expression that would carry my oh so sweet feelings for her, snail is not at all a tender word in English language, whereas, and I’ve been told that goes for an Englishman too, “Schnecke” carries in itself a certain tender touch, if it is meant so and it is most frequently used as a tender name in German language. The gender of the word is female, “die” Schnecke and so it is exclusively used to describe feelings for female beings. They can be little, it is perfectly okay to call a female baby a little “Schnecke” and, in a more sexual sense, it is often used for young female hotties. And, my “bitchy beloved” is both for me, I love her as my little girl and I love her as the young female hottie. Right, so I have this off my chest. (One little first step, of the long, long way of winning her heart (back)? Oh, Lembke, you’re so full of it…

Tuesday, 28.7.09

I haven’t posted about my mother and her illness on this site, it was all on my German one and that was enough for me. But to give you an idea how little fun my live is presently: she had to spend her last years with Parkinson, I didn’t visit her, for we fell out about three years ago, yet when I was being told she wouldn’t last very much longer I forgave her and visited her once a week, for two months now. It was very exhausting, yet I wouldn’t want to miss it, now. Today, at about noon, she was relieved of it all.

Saturday, 25.9.07

Remember that “fat writer slob in climbing hall”-picture? Well, here we go, after four months of training the Meister finally mastered the slope-route marked in red and the first of two small, but tricky roofs in another rather hefty slope at which I was working all the time.

The Swiss driving licence still takes time, after that I will be living in Switzerland.

The book I’m writing about Hasenschnecke is finished 35%, admittedly all in German. (As is Hasenschnecke. Oh, those beautiful German girls…) Admittedly, too, I was posting a lot about her on my German site… But don’t worry, I will definitely translate this book into English, may it need years!

There’ll be at least something soon in English, I am working on a new post for the DAC, about my British media campaign.

I no longer drive a cab in Freiburg, as soon I will do this in Switzerland I promise to write about it to a much larger extent in English. Zurich is very international and it makes more sense to post in English.

They were very easy on me in court, they pitied me to some degree. I sure do so myself, sniff… Hasenschnecke, I love you so much, one day I’ll be rich and famous and you’ll be mine!!!! Erm, is there a nice girl who will step in between?

Friday, 24.7.09

Was in court yesterday about my Hasenschnecke. Woman judge, woman state attorney judging me about “stalking” a girl. Scary. Stay tuned.

Monday, 20.7.09

Our mayor is having a good time in San Fran, shaking hands with her mayor, Mr. Gavin Newsom (instead of handing me a cheque which would solve my f… financial worries! Grmblll…)

Freiburg, June, 2009

My dear American or British friends, you dropped something, ’44-ish, in my neighborhood, you wanna come pick it up? Maybe you can re-use it again, in Afghanistan or, who knows, North-Korea soon. Right smack-dab in that Kim Il Sung-son-of-a-bitches-face, how about that? Let me know, I’ll put you through.

Wednesday, 15.7.09

My dear millions of fans, what happened to Hasenschnecke, is your perpetuating question when you toss and turn sleepless on your pillow at night, I so well know, and I think I owe you an answer. Well, you know, these things are quite tricky… erm, well, alright. Sigh. You know (again), she definitely was one of the reasons I went back early to Germany and she, erm, is definitely one of the reasons I am leaving it again, for Switzerland, asap. So, you can guess where this is going to, she has showed me the finger again (I mean, not that I give up, oh no!) and that means… well, anyway, here’s:

Gone with the wind (…is my mind)! Stay tuned for this hot drama settling in Germanies southern-states! They meet beneath Freiburgs hot sun, the beautiful, young and desirable, yet a trifle headstrong and impulsive Scarlett O’Hasenschneck, an all in all rather prudish Swabian teacher of hand work, with a “Walldorf-Abitur”, yet acting so overly-cool in the beginning – and the considerably older, dubious and raw Rhett Lembke, a scintillating figure, joining together two utterly un-white-bread professions, he’s a taxi-driver and he’s a writer. Scarlett O’Hasenschneck is right from the start drawn towards and rejecting at the same time Rhett Lembke, he charmes her rather successfully, at first, with his man-of the world-flair, she admires the way he’s not bothered about conventions and small concerns, just doing his thing – then he is getting to her with his intemptedness, innuendos and obnoxious behaviour that much, that she, the daughter from a good family, shaped by the industry and hard labour their parents put into building up Tara, finally turns him down. This leads to the most dramatic scenes, Scarlett slaps him hard in the face and yells: “I don’t ever want to see you again, Rhett!”, yet he urges her, under tears, to give him a second chance: “Scarlett, but I love you so much!” Things have gotten quite messy between the two, police, attorneys, judges, prosecuting attorneys, the two, righteously joined together by fate don’t come together, yet Rhett Lembke just can’t forget his hot-tempered Swabian Southern Belle – who is together now with the boring Ashley! Who doesn’t love her, yet, which she is refusing to take notice of for now, is he giving her shelter from the wild desire of the rampant Rhett Lembke. How will it proceed? Will the Swabian teacher of hand work Scarlett O’Hasenschneck do give in to her secret passion, will she see female and passionate sides in her, waiting to surface for so long now? Will Rhett Lembke on the other hand finally change his dissolute and vicious ways? And which part in the drama will take Ashley?

Friday, 10.7.09

First British passenger in all the five months I’m back in Germany again, and he was so cute too, made my eyes misty! It’s like coming home again! A lot of the negative things I was complaining about in Brighton now seem to be just the same in Freiburg, people getting crazier day by day as it seems.

Friday, 26.6.09

Where evil is dwelling…  If you answer “Gruezi” with just “Guten Tag” and don’t smile a merry “German who is happy to be invited to friendly Switzerland”-smile, in the contrary, mean business, you could soon be placed into the section: “German who comes to Switzerland and wants everything done his way”. (This section is sort of not really welcomed there.)

Wednesday, 24.6.09

Evil burocracy in Zurich. The right hand doesn’t now what the left is doing. Need to go there tomorrow again, for some checking out, driving licence-wise.


The photo machine in Zurich was just saying “don’t smile” and it got me confused, for I thought “oh no, not another country, where you are supposed not to smile!” “Well, there’s always Switzerland, the better Germany” as I told my English passengers so many times, yet some say Switzerland is like East Germany was, only with full shop-windows. (Look, how I lost weight, by the way…)

If you can’t read German, this means that we have finally arrived at this stage of our life, that people can’t distinguish between virtual reality, like in TV or computer games and real reality. It says, no one has stopped to help victims of a car-crash, despite efforts of a woman to signal for help, and the icing on the cake was that young guy, who just stopped to take pictures with this mobile – before he drove off again!

Monday, 25.5.09

My driving licence is on its way to Switzerland, I will follow in a month or two. Zurich it is, definitely, I have already done enough knowledge so that there is no backing out anymore. I mean, the advantage is plain to see, a smaller world-city I cannot get.

Monday, 18.5.09

I’m rather sure I go to Zurich next, though other places there are also tempting. Although Zurich is twice the size of Brighton it’s less knowledge.


You don’t wanna know how some people get on my site. Yet this is definitely some sort of an amazing record. See, what this dude put in as an entry… and it made him ending up on my site. Dude, you’re so weird, we have to meet! Web Results 1 – 10 of about 19 for dude, i wasted so much money on this education shit..all for nothing. i could have fed an entire african village for a year with the money my parents put into my education, sad..remeber when i was on the strassenbahn in berlin with some italians that i followed and there was this girl, we had the same stop and i tried to talk to her but then i was like: mabey im being a little too pushy so i backed off. she prob had a boyfriend and she was there to study not talk to douchebags…still the whole villiage prob thought i was a pussy for not making a move..i dont know, it was strange.. american girls don’t like that shit, those student dont pay for university, they GET paid to study at university, and they dont buy books. their work is also much more advanced..they were probably brilliant/though i was an idiot. OOPS, bad taste.. (1.34 seconds)

Friday, 13.3.09

A 17-year old German went amok and killed 16 people. And that when I was speaking of peaceful Germany all the time. Well, globalization, right? (There’s a lot of CCTV-cameras now in Germany too, by the way, they’re getting more and more.) Anyway, there’s a lot of rage in our world today and I guess one of the reasons is it’s injustices. There are people who get it all and there are others who get it up their behinds, all the time. So this little fucker thought he is what he is, and figured this is what he will stay for the rest of his life, too, he won’t be one those guys who get it all, he will stay that said little fucker. And that was just too much for him at that time. Right, when I sent in my manuscript of the Hitch-Hiker’s guide it wasn’t turned down, it was just simply neglected, as if it doesn’t exist. As if I doesn’t exist. Now, out of blue sky, a sequel is going to be launched. Does this make me angry? Yes. Will I run amok about it? No, certainly not. Because, the difference is I have personality. I have been working my arse off for the last seven years and have swallowed uncertainty, set-backs, humiliations, disappointments, absolute poverty… and I have withstood! Because I knew it wasn’t going to be easy! Because I knew I will have the power and the ability to carry on! To carry on until it has finally gotten me somewhere. And to the address of Penguin books – you will hear from me, I will not give up!

Tuesday, 2.3.09

I am taking action concerning the Hitch Hiker’s. This is a start:

Dear Joanna Prior As I am a member of Facebook too I combine this with a friend request, maybe you add me, I’d be much delighted. Anyway, I found the article in the Guardian about the sequel to the Hitch Hiker’s Guide – rather late, as I must admit – yet, Joanna, I have already finished a sequel to it, a sixth volume, long ago, 2005! Of course, of course, I am unknown, I am German… I tried to contact Mr. Victor about that, then sent in the manuscript, translated into English, in 2006 to panMcmillan, who held the rights, as I took it back then… I know, I know, it’s all a bit amateur-like, because obviously I don’t have any connections or experience with the business. Yet, please, my manuscript is brilliant! It is called “42 is the answer, but what’s the question anyway!” ties up a lot of loose ends and gives the answer to why the meaning of life, the universe and everything has to be 42 and nothing else!!!! All main characters are involved and nicely interconnected. Before I did that I finished a shortened new translation of all the five volumes into German, I wrote four novels in a very similar style, there was even a time when I called myself Germany’s answer to Douglas Adams, before I thought better about it, I now call myself “Europe’s cab-driving writer”! A cabbie that goes all over Europe, does the licence, drives and writes about his experiences. So far I began this in Germany, obviously, and now, for the last 17 months, in the UK, in Brighton. Joanna, I am very qualified for this and I am going to be very famous anyway, although, to start from scratch, anybody in the business knows, how tough that is, but I am going to make it! And my name will sell! Sure, I know, the die is cast, Eoin Colfer’s book will be the official version, but in between, Joanna, anything is possible, isn’t it? And that’s what I am asking you about now, with all due respect, but with a very, very determined heart, that my work will have a fair chance in which way ever, that it will be considered, somehow. Let there be a fair competition, let a jury decide, let the readers decide, which book, which version will be better, I want achievement to be the decisive factor, not legacy, not the name! On my website you will find the first six edited chapters – I don’t say these are the best chapters, the main and the final part of the book are the really brilliant parts – of my sequel the Hitch Hiker’s Guide! I would be very happy if you’d give it a quick look, maybe the whole website, too, which is the basis for the book I will write about my time in Brighton, an autobiographic novel, one of those I will write about each step, country. (But you’ve got to bear in mind, my writing always needs editing by a native speaker – my apologies for any bad style of this letter, hereby). I’d like to finish now – dear Joanna Prior, I really wish for you’d give that letter its due consideration and would be much delighted if you’d come back to me about it or perhaps, maybe, even add me as a friend on Facebook.

Thursday, 26.2.09

I’m too late for France, so I have to hang around in Freiburg, for a while, do something fruitful, we’ll see. Here are some pics for my ever growing fan-base (ahem)…

Taxi rank in Germany. What a ramshackle. Why, they don’t have a standard colour anymore, anybody can paint his cab in whatever colour, put adds, stickers, you-name-it’s on it, good disgraceful! There’s a grey cab, then there’s a black one…

Sunday, 22.2.09

The natives in this part of Germany celebrate this time of the year with parades, in costumes. I never get the hang of it, it’s all about being crazy when it’s appropriate and as you, dear reader, very well know, I’m crazy throughout the year, so I can’t be bothered.

Watch my bye, bye Brighton vid, absolutely recommended, a must! Still improvised, yet absolutely worth watching! My masterpiece, so far. With some of my nicest pics, at the end, and three of my self-made cover-songs! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UBTGPkE_flU


I thought to get the licence in France you just walk in the office and they patch you up with something, I couldn’t be more wrong! Brighton was 20 times harder than Freiburg and Colmar will be 40 times, whereas, as I must say, they are more Europeans than the Germans, for they acknowledge licences from other European countries and you save one part of the exam, with five single tests!

Thursday, 19.2.09

little flag parade, imagine the anthems yourself

I’m an alien in my own country! Heck, I don’t even know on which side to drive, to begin with. My German is rubbish, it’s a very clumsy language anyway, that rolls off awkwardly from the tongue… anyway, I just barely made my journey, after 20 hours of packing, shipping and driving my summer-tyred-car was caught in snow and I barely made it (again, bad style) on the famous Autobahn. Yet, then the snow got less, till it was gone anyway. Then I met one of those stupid and stubborn natives that live in that corner of Germany and who’s at least smart enough to operate a till at a garage – but was too stupid or lazy to earn 10 Euro,b y accepting 20 pound for 10 euro. Sterling, like it was no problem throughout France, he didn’t want to change anyway. Brighton, I own you an apology (that is to some extent, let’s not get carried away.)

Right away I was in Colmar checking out the licence – I will try to make the test on the beginning of April!!

Freiburg pics in gallery:


About Jochen Lembke

Europe's cab-driving writer
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