“Mein Kampf” against the literature-mafia (oh, how deluded was I…!)

Here are some bits and pieces about my rather fruitless and deluded campaign in Spring 2009, where  I basically made a fool out of myself. Anyway, maybe I will take it up again some time, but then surely better prepared. Read also my articles on Douglas Adams Continuum

Little German writer with four rabbits’ naivety!

„Vot do you say? Zere are already many fan-written versions out zere?“

„Oh, how embarrassing!“

„Vell, anyvay, my version is ze best!“

„And, of course, if you don’t vant to read it… ve haf vays of handeling zose problems zat could be very unpleasant to you!“

„I mean, who vonts zis Artemis-foul-Colfer-crap anyvay!

————————-

In what promises to be one of the biggest events in the publishing calendar this year, Penguin is publishing Eoin Colfer’s specially commissioned sequel to Douglas Adams’s remarkable Hitchhiker series, And Another Thing…

Publica ion is timed for 12 October, which marks the 30th Anniversary of the first publication of Douglas Adams’s The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Douglas Adams’s so-called trilogy, which in fact ran to five volumes, became one of the biggest cult literary successes of the 20th century. Over the last thirty years, 16 million readers around the world have enjoyed the adventures of Arthur Dent, Trillian, Zaphod Beeblebox and Ford Prefect.

This autumn, Penguin is joining forces with Douglas Adams’s paperback publisher, Pan Macmillan to create huge combined Hitchhiker excitement; bringing together the two vast armies of fans: those of the original Hitchhiker books and the many millions of Eoin Colfer fans. (Colfer’s Artemis Fowl titles have sold more than 18 million copies globally.) 

The sales, marketing, publicity and online teams are working closely to create a joined-up campaign that leads readers from the original titles – which are all being beautifully repackaged by Pan with new introductions – and then onto the new book. Starting in early September, the campaign will then run in store, online and in the media through the autumn and right up until Christmas.

Penguin is hosting an event for the trade on the evening of Monday 9th March, with Pan Macmillan in attendance, at which early plans will be discussed and the jackets of And Another Thing… and the backlist will be unveiled.

Penguin is also working with BBC Audiobooks to ensure that the original audio recordings have a place in the anniversary celebrations. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy: Primary Phase was voted as the public’s number one audio title in a Guardian poll last year, thirty years after the first BBC radio broadcast in 1978.

Penguin Marketing and Publicity Director, Joanna Prior, said, “Working with Pan Macmillan in this unique way will create an even greater sense of excitement for the consumer and for the retailer this autumn. We’ve already had some very fruitful early discussions to work out how we can both celebrate the extraordinary creative genius of Douglas Adams and bring a new generation of readers, those myriad number of Artemis Fowl fans, to the Hitchhiker books for the first time.”

Geoff Duffield, Pan Macmillan’s Group Sales & Marketing Director said: “This is event publishing. Working together will create more excitement, more media and retail space, and more sales, culminating in the 30th Anniversary of Douglas’s brilliant and iconic creation.”

Saturday, 4.4.09

Right. No replies from 60 email so far, my campaign is dead! I will post my version for free! Does someone wants to edit the remaining 36 chapters and wants to make history as the second biggest fool ever? ( For I’m the first). I’m also working on a audio-book (Internet) version, by the way! Here’s my reply to the “wankfest”-letter: Mea maxima culpa! Dudes, I have to apologise! (Oh, this is much too shameful, where’s my Samurai sword I will quickly behead myself… can’t find it in this mess, well, do it later, will finish this first, to restore some of my integrity, but, oh! The mere fruitlessness of it! For I have sinned so much!) Right, just because I am too stupid to find any fan written sequels in the net doesn’t mean there aren’t any, does it!? So, what I should have done in 2005, after not getting any response from Big Vic, is to contact the fan-sites, shouldn’t I!? (I love this in English language, this does it, shouldn’t it, by the way.) And I didn’t, because I was too arrogant! (Or too busy, it’s just a way of looking at it. No, just a lame excuse, arrogant is more like it.) And from that moment on I deluded myself (yes, I admit, in public, I deluded myself!) that no one has ever been as clever as me and has written a serious sequel before! You know what, this is very, very shameful and I am really and truly and deservedly oh so sorry for that! So probably Big Vic gets a sequel once a month, right? (Or it even comes in “six-packs, free with his breakfast cereal”) . Alright – so I do get over it! So I will publish it for free! Yet, this all deserves punishment, doesn’t it? So, what’s the worst punishment in the world? Right, to be a cab-driver! (May he claims to be the most famous one or not.) You get humiliated and threatened, (equally by passengers and traffic) and you earn shit. So, don’t worry, I will get what I deserve, no Hitch-Hiker millions for me, right? Now, about this infamous campaign, this shameful “wankfest of words”: you are asking yourself, quite rightly, what will this deluded “His German Writer-Dudeness” do next? Insult the Universe? Or at least the British (and of course on alphabetical order)???? Of course I will carry on! How can I be happy if I’m not miserable? Besides, you know, you are quite right, I am deluded and I am arrogant and the worst part is I admit this woefully and just go on later as if nothing happened, because, see, this is my nature. For I have endured so many talentless and stupid cretins, who were born in families with more support, with more money and better relations to people in power, telling me what to do or having to watch them what they do – while all the while I was busy digesting that I am a stupid little shit, for that’s what my father has always told me. And this is to the address of his dudeness, Lozlan! You spoiled little brat! You should fall on your knees and thank the gods for having had the support of a father like that, who stood up for his son, in such a manner! My father never did a thing like that, all he would have said is stop dreaming, son! (Well, maybe that’s the bleak outlook on life you get taught when being in a russian POW camp for two years.) And so I will choose the next frontier to storm against like a raging bull, cause that’s me. And that’s why I will be world famous and you won’t, because I can write, I can sing, I can act and I can make a complete arse out of myself and just laugh about it and carry on! (Moreover, I can pose with just a snippet of cloth and if necessary even without (doesn’t look to bad there anyway, ey?)) However, I’m asking you now, if you all don’t want a million-seller artificially designed on the drawing board a la Big Vic and if there are so many fan-writers having done sequels – why do you endure this without fighting it? Why didn’t you do a campaign like me? A petition, like, “dear Big Vic, we, the fans, don’t want any official sequels, written by someone else and least of all by Colfer. There are many, many fan-written versions out there, why not make a contest? Make the best one the official version or just say, there are so many versions, we don’t actually need an official one, we just make a list and anybody who cares can read them for free!?” How about that? All you ever do is slag off people who do things and I tell you! You are just like envy children, watching their siblings do things they can’t do themselves, for that’s what is in the end, envy! You are envying me my version and you don’t want me to have success with it, because you are asking yourself all the time, why him and why not me? I could do it, too, man, is what you say! But if mama Jane and daddy Ed will tell you, children, uncle Eoin has written a sequel and it’s a very, very, very good one, children, so don’t be naughty and buy it and then the art-critics on Victor’s and Penguin’s and PanMcmillan’s pay-roll will write their little thing too… you will buy and you will read and in the end you will even like it, good little children that you are. You don’t have it in you because you are shed full of headless hens and even worse you are fans! And I’ll never be a fan of no one. The only person in the world for me who’s worthy enough that I am a fan off is me, myself (hm… and in some weird, distorted way the girl I’m running after now, for two and a half years, in a complete honourless and degrading fashion, but, erm, [hastily] that’s beside the point. (See that thin, always see-through layer of self-irony?)) So, all you “fan-writers” out there who have written sequels, join in my campaign! Let’s have a fair competition what’s the best version and we all will help it become more popular then the official-artificially designed one, may it sell millions or not! How about that!? Jochen

Thursday

Erm…. This letter down there makes me look like an idiot. Well, if am an idiot why not just admit it? It makes everything much easier. Right! Why didn’t I find sequels already written by fans in the net? Because there are none or because I just didn’t look hard enough? Is this man reliable anyway? Erm, right now it seems he’s much more reliable then me myself, I admit. (Besides being a little obnoxious, but then again, maybe he thought I started it?) Just thinking aloud: So far my campaign led to nothing, I never had any interest before and the “Continuum” just declared me deluded and to those 60ish emails I’ve sent yesterday I didn’t even get one answer. So there’s a high probability that I am actually deluded (wow, how do I know that, I feel quite normal?) and the other “fan writers” just weren’t stubborn arseholes as I am one. Right, I guess, I have to make the best out of the worst and actually offer my version for free, that way anybody is happy. Will think about it! PS. Did I ever say I’m perfect?

Here’s the letter: Dude, I beseech thee, get over yourself. Yes, I suspect you are on Ed Victor’s radar – as a frustrating moron who seems to think that terminally irritating a literary agent by spamming his inbox will somehow alter alter the publication of a commissioned text. As for the waiting hordes of lawyers, I suspect they will only be mobilized if you do something psychotic or stupid or both. Much akin to the forthcoming (and highly illegal) Twilightfan novel, your work will only become interesting if you try and publish it yourself. Then, yes, the holy fire and brimstone of the law will immolate your silliness handily.

Let me tell you a fun little tale. I am a writer. I once was a considerably younger writer, with some very odd ideas about fan writing. I completed my first draft of a Hitchhiker sequel around 2000, and continued revising it long after Douglas’s death. I wrote it for myself, and my friends, who were vocally dissatisfied with the extent ending of the series. Over time, it even developed into a fairly compelling read, and I have a special place in my heart for it still.

Now, I had some odd ideas, but my father had even odder ideas. The second I told him about the book, he completely freaked out. ‘Publish it, my wise and talented son! They would be oh so lucky to buy your brainchild!’…and so on. It sounded mad to me in 2003, and in retrospect a great deal more unhinged.

Now we come to the part where I blush a great deal. My dad, convinced that I had penned a great and much-needed epic, called Ed Victor at his offices. Yes, he got Mr. Victor on the phone. According to my dad, they had a brief conversation wherein he pitched the book, and Ed politely refused (though I’m certain the second he hung up he either laughed uproariously, made himself a long-suffering drink, or both). Telling this story really does inflame my cheeks; I’m still ashamed at the mere thought of my dad badgering Ed Victor with my fan-written novel. It remains an incredibly cringe-inducing moment in my life, one that I will never live down.

So please, let it go. Your relentless e-mail badgering will accomplish nothing but making you look like a clown. Perhaps you don’t care; perhaps you are pursuing this ill-advised course of action out of some sense of righteous anger or sense of ‘rightness.’ Sir, I hate to tell you this, but many, many people have written fan-fic sixth volumes of Hitchhiker. Online fandom is incredibly prolific and intelligent. Your little wankfest over ‘My Highly Original Masterpiece!’ is, in this context, completely absurd.

Stop making a fool of yourself. I have an aversion to watching people embarrass themselves, and your pinging it hard. Also, be aware that 99% of fans hate the idea of a fan-written novel being published at all. If you want to work towards being widely loathed by fans everywhere, by all means proceed. Just don’t air your ludicrous little quest in our face, savvy?

Wednesday, 1.4.09

This is the updated version of my letter I will send in my media-campaign!

*******************

Scandal about unauthorised sequel to the Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy! Unauthorised sequel to the Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, already written in 2005! Public letter about this, to Mr. Ed Victor, the agent of the late Douglas Adams and to Mrs. Jane Belson, his widow. April 2009 Dear Sir, dear Madam, To suppress an unknown writer’s manuscript in order to design a perfect million-seller appears to be nothing but legal and, moreover, general practise, but especially the way it was handled seems to me, the person concerned, a scandal! So, perhaps I can interest you in publishing this public letter or an article about it? Maybe my work in general interests you and I would be much obliged if you’d offer me the opportunity to draw a little bit more attention to it, in that case feel most invited to contact me via this emailadress! Yours sincerely, Jochen Lembke, “Europe’s cab-driving writer”

Dear mentioned and dear British public! My name is Jochen Lembke, I am German and I have written a sequel to the Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, in German and in English language, four years before an officially ordered sequel is now in the making! I have tried to call Mr. Ed Victor’s and PanMcmillan’s attention to it, in the following years, yet from both sides it was equally ignored! Ignored? Well, not completely as I’d say so, because now, all of a sudden, out of blue sky, as it almost appears, a sequel is being launched, with which no one really has reckoned. Coincidence? Hardly so, I think it was quite convincing what I said, both to Mr. Victor and to Pan McMillan, “why on Earth would you turn down a guaranteed best-seller, well, if not to say a million-seller?” Very well, they sure as eggs is eggs have thought, hearing the cash register ring, this man is right… but he is completely unknown and he is not even English. No, we don’t take him, we give it to someone we know. And this is how they do it, they take a man who has already sold some nineteen million books and let him write it, for I will sell, maybe, one million and this guy, Colfer, will sell, maybe, ten millions. For that’s what the Hitch-Hiker’s actually is, a gold-mine, a bonanza, a business you can invest in and end up all smiles, merry and cheerful! I was going to ask for justice, for a fair chance to be considered, I wanted quality to decide, not favouritism – now I know better. There is no way to beat the system, Colfer sells better and therefore he’ll write the official sixth volume and I, who has written one already four years ago and didn’t even get a answer to that, will end up, well, not empty handed, but with sky-high debts. I actually do think I am much more qualified for the job than a writer of children books, who doesn’t even write in the same style as I take it. I have written four novels in a similar style, before that! Moreover, also before that, I have written a shortened new translation of all the five volumes, into my mother-tongue, fivehundred and fifty pages! Anyway, besides from that, my manuscript is brilliant! It has superb ideas and it ties up a lot of loose ends and it gives a perfect explanation to why the meaning of Life, the Universe and Everything has to be Forty-Two and nothing else! The reason why this book even has forty-two chapters and is actually called “Forty-Two (is the Answer, but what’s the Question anyway?)” Not to mention the fact, that I am going to be quite known in the near future, as the first guy who has ever driven a cab in five different countries, with five different languages and has written books about it – I have just recently finished my time in England, which has been the second country, as I’ve started in Germany, obviously. By the time I will have finished the fifth country I will be world-famous and there is no need at all to think that my name can’t sell a sixth volume!!!! I know now my version will not be considered to be the official one. But that doesn’t mean it will not be considered at all. A cult-book with such a huge fan-base – just anything is possible! Moreover, Colfer is not very popular with the fans of the Douglas Adams, at least not with the old ones! (Well, some of them still haven’t realised he’s dead at all, so much is he still circling in their heads, so any other author will have it hard.) So, this “coup” might get a lot of Colfer-fans on board, but repel a lot of the old ones! I know that English people have a strong sense of justice, of fair play and that they always favour an underdog and admire a good fight. And this is why I am addressing you, the British public, with this letter: Give me a chance, Mr. Victor, Mrs. Belson, that is all I am asking for, hereby, in public, give me a fair chance! Publish this book as an additional version or authorise it so I can look for a publisher myself! That way there’ll still be some sort of a fair competition! That way the readers still can decide in a way, which one is the better one in the end! Because, at the end of the day, you can either authorise a second version and make money with that too or you will have to live with one circling in the net, downloadable by everybody for free and in the end you might loose a lot of money, because a lot of the old Douglas-Adams-fans will say “why waste money on a version of an author we don’t like, when we can download a much better version for free!” Now, finally, I apologise for any language mistakes, for I can’t afford any editing, not for the Hitch Hiker’s, of which only the first six chapters are edited, nor for this letter here. I live in absolute poverty and I apologise for that, Mr. Victor, I can’t help myself, I am an unknown writer. Give me a fair chance, that’s all I’m asking for! Jochen Lembke, “Europe’s cab-driving writer” You are welcome to go to my website, where you can find, among many other things, the first edited six chapters of “Forty-Two is the answer, but what’s the question anyway?” and a rather long synopsis of it. My version of a sixth volume to the Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy!

Tuesday, 31.3.09

I have joined Douglas Adams Continuum and published a synopsis there, which I will do here too. It reveals a lot of text, but, well, everybody can get an idea now. Bear in mind the text is not edited yet. For the first six edited chapters scroll down to the very bottom.

Monday, 30.03.09

Right, so Colfer has already sold some 19 million books. Erm, didn’t know that. So, that’s how they do it, they figure he already has a million-fan-base and those guys might as well buy his next book too, let it be the Hitch Hiker’s or a bloody cook book. Riiiiight. I guess I have to rethink my campaign. Sounds all pretty naive what I did so far, I admit. Riiight. Erm, I feel kind of an idiot now. So there goes my chance of ever being considered. Erm… But, anyway, who am I to be intimidated by 19 million books, me, who has already sold 1300! Oh, yes! Most of them signed! So, Mr. Colfer, erm, Sir! In a few years we’ll sit at some pool and sip at some ice-cooled thingy and talk about how fucking successful we both are, right? Here’s to that! But you know, Eoin, you cool cat, you! If you sell with your poor version another 10 million – I will sell with my better version at least enough to settle my debts, right. let them be of cosmic scale or not. So, one more reason to ride piggy-back, isn’t it so?

Sunday, 29.03.09

Yes!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, I am deluded! For I believe in a world, that is just! Without favoritism, where only talent counts! I know, weird, quirky and far off reality – just deluded! Yes, I’m still a cab-driver! Because talent doesn’t count, I still have to drive arrogant snobs like you round the corner for a handout! (Yet I am the most famous cab-driver in the world and if you don’t believe that start a contest who is actually!) And yes, I waste precious time of my life for that which I will never get back! Yes, I pose with just a piece of cloth – and you know what, because only scandals get you somewhere, quality in writing doesn’t! And if you want some more, b…, you know where you can get it! So, how about that, you f… b….s! (Some more dots, but quite meaningful)

26.3.09 Dear “everybody working at Penguin”

I am sure my very friendly but very unanswered letter to marketing and publicity director Joanna Prior roughly a month ago now has already made the rounds at Penguin, so I can keep this short. I have written a manuscript for a sequel to the Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy in 2005, long ago before the whole thing with Mr. Colfer was launched, and of course I will do everything in the books to achieve a fair chance for it to be considered! In fact this is my last try before I will take it to the next step, which would be a media campaign of intergalactic size, a cry for justice, so to speak, in a shark’s business! Why didn’t I even get an answer back then? Why isn’t there such a thing as a fair competition? Why does not anyone say, alright, you’re German and unknown, Colfer is writing one, but let’s have a look, we don’t believe so, but if yours turns out to be actually even better than Colfer’s in the end – of course we take yours! And I will make myself be heard, ladies and gentlemen, I assure you that! Moreover, if this will lead to nothing, there’ll still be tougher means to get the due attention, I can become quite a stone in the shoe, actually! “So, how was this gala, lately?” “Oh, it was lovely… yet, I mean this half-crazed German obviously did his little thing, again…” “Oh, you mean…” “Yes, screaming obscenities, whilst being dragged away by the police… poor little bugger.” “Riiight… well, no gala without him, hm?” “Yes, quite notorious, the man.” And in the end, if nothing has worked, then I still can put it in the Internet – for anybody out there to download. “Why waste good money for a poor sequel when you can get a better one – for free?” I’m currently working on a statement which I will send per email to the British media, when it’s ready. If I do not hear from you I will proceed in that course. Jochen Lembke, “Europe’s cab driving writer”

Now, this is the letter I will send! (Replaced by an updated version) Follow my fight against the literature-establishment! What happened so far?

Eoin Colfer to write sixth Hitchhiker’s Guide book Comic fantasy children’s author describes being given the opportunity to continue Douglas Adams’s legendary series as ‘like suddenly being offered the superpower of your choice’ Alison Flood guardian.co.uk, Wednesday 17 September 2008 00.01 BST Article history Eoin Colfer: “It is a gift from the gods”. Photograph: Felix Clay Douglas Adams’s increasingly inaccurately named Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy trilogy is to be extended to six titles, after Adams’s widow Jane Belson sanctioned a project which will see children’s author Eoin Colfer taking up the story. And Another Thing… by Colfer, whose involvement with the project was personally requested by Belson, will be published next October by Penguin. No information has yet emerged about the plot of the novel but Hitchhiker fans will be hoping for a resurrection of much-loved characters Arthur Dent, Trillian and Ford Prefect, who were all apparently blown to smithereens at the end of the fifth novel, Mostly Harmless. Adams himself had plans for a sixth Hitchhiker book, saying in an interview: “People have said, quite rightly, that Mostly Harmless is a very bleak book. And it was a bleak book. I would love to finish Hitchhiker on a slightly more upbeat note, so five seems to be a wrong kind of number, six is a better kind of number.” But his death in 2001, aged 49, meant the book was never written, and “legions of Hitchhiker fans were left with their hearts beating a little too quickly for all eternity,” said Colfer, author of the bestselling Artemis Fowl series for children. The proposal from the literary agency which manages Adams’s estate was “quite out of the blue”, said Penguin marketing and publicity director Joanna Prior. “It was something I guess [Jane Belson] had been mulling over for some time, and we jumped the minute we got the call – we could immediately see what a fantastic project this would be.” Colfer, who has been a fan of Hitchhiker since his schooldays, said being given the opportunity to continue the series was “like suddenly being offered the superpower of your choice”. “For years I have been finishing this incredible story in my head and now I have the opportunity to do it in the real world,” he added. “It is a gift from the gods. So, thank you Thor and Odin.” The book will “make no claims for Eoin being Douglas”, according to Prior. “It’s not Eoin Colfer writing as Douglas Adams, as was the case with Sebastian Faulks,” she said, pointing to Penguin’s successful publication of Faulks’s new James Bond novel Devil May Care earlier this year. “It’s absolutely about him being himself – Eoin the author, but with the cast of Hitchhiker.” Colfer himself is currently grappling with nerves over the quality of his addition to Adams’ oeuvre. “I feel more pressure to perform now than I ever have with my own books, and that is why I am bloody determined that this will be the best thing I have ever written,” he said. “For the first time in decades I feel the uncertainty that I last felt in my teenage years. There are people out there that really want to like this book.” Penguin hopes that Belson’s choice of Colfer will bring a new generation of readers to Adams’s work. “It’s always a challenge when we haven’t got Douglas any more – how can we introduce his writing to the next generation?” asked Prior. “There’s a huge fan base out there, but this is a really exciting way of creating a new legacy.” Belson said the project had her full support. “I am delighted that Eoin Colfer has agreed to continue the Hitchhiker series. I love his books and could not think of a better person to transport Arthur, Zaphod and Marvin to pastures new,” she added. Approximately 16m copies of Hitchhiker books have been sold worldwide, according to Penguin. The “trilogy in five parts”, which started with radio series The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy in 1978 and was completed with The Restaurant at the End of the Universe; Life, The Universe and Everything; So Long, and Thanks for all the Fish; and Mostly Harmless, has been translated into 35 languages. 

As no one so far gave a bleeding fuck about my manuscript, which makes me grim to a cosmic degree, quite understandably I hope, I wrote the following letter to Mrs. Prior, Penguin marketing and publicity director. Yet, as you can guess, it wasn’t answered!

Dear Joanna Prior As I am a member of Facebook too I combine this with a friend request, maybe you add me, I’d be much delighted. Anyway, I found the article in the Guardian about the sequel to the Hitch Hiker’s Guide – rather late, as I must admit – yet, Joanna, I have already finished a sequel to it, a sixth volume, long ago, 2005! Of course, of course, I am unknown, I am German… I tried to contact Mr. Victor about that, then sent in the manuscript, translated into English, in 2006 to panMcmillan, who held the rights, as I took it back then… I know, I know, it’s all a bit amateur-like, because obviously I don’t have any connections or experience with the business. Yet, please, my manuscript is brilliant! It is called “42 is the answer, but what’s the question anyway!” ties up a lot of loose ends and gives the answer to why the meaning of life, the universe and everything has to be 42 and nothing else!!!! All main characters are involved and nicely interconnected. Before I did that I finished a shortened new translation of all the five volumes into German, I wrote four novels in a very similar style, there was even a time when I called myself Germany’s answer to Douglas Adams, before I thought better about it, I now call myself “Europe’s cab-driving writer”! A cabbie that goes all over Europe, does the licence, drives and writes about his experiences. So far I began this in Germany, obviously, and now, for the last 17 months, in the UK, in Brighton. Joanna, I am very qualified for this and I am going to be very famous anyway, although, to start from scratch, anybody in the business knows, how tough that is, but I am going to make it! And my name will sell! Sure, I know, the die is cast, Eoin Colfer’s book will be the official version, but in between, Joanna, anything is possible, isn’t it? And that’s what I am asking you about now, with all due respect, but with a very, very determined heart, that my work will have a fair chance in which way ever, that it will be considered, somehow. Let there be a fair competition, let a jury decide, let the readers decide, which book, which version will be better, I want achievement to be the decisive factor, not legacy, not the name! On my website you will find the first six edited chapters – I don’t say these are the best chapters, the main and the final part of the book are the really brilliant parts – of my sequel the Hitch Hiker’s Guide! I would be very happy if you’d give it a quick look, maybe the whole website, too, which is the basis for the book I will write about my time in Brighton, an autobiographic novel, one of those I will write about each step, country. (But you’ve got to bear in mind, my writing always needs editing by a native speaker – my apologies for any bad style of this letter, hereby)I’d like to finish now – dear Joanna Prior, I really wish for you’d give that letter it’s due consideration and would be much delighted if you’d come back to me about it or perhaps, maybe, even add me as a friend on Facebook. With the kindest regards, yours sincerely, Jochen Lembke

So I am sending this letter now to Penguin, we’ll see! Mrs. Prior I take you having not answered to my letter as an unfriendly act and withdraw my friend request, since I can’t come around regarding you as a member of the literature-mafia, which basically are the guys I have to fight the next years. I will send the letter below to any emailadress connected with Penguin, since there is none unknown writers can write to, beginning tomorrow. If no one anwers I will proceed as mentioned below. You will not hear from me again. Not yours, Jochen Lembke

Edit 26.12.2011: Like I said, these are just some bits and pieces I want to end in pointing out that although the net is swarming with h2g2 fan-fic there are actually only two sixth-volume versions finished, Colfer´s and mine! Currently I am transforming mine into a parody which I then can publish legally. 

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About Jochen Lembke

Europe's cab-driving writer
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